Piano intro with a shot of what I presume to be Lucas writing in a movie theater? Anyway, this is sappy as all hell. Also what’s the fascination with being 11? It’s not a particularly good age, and we take a bit of umbrage that this dude’s dad was instructing his 11 year old to go get a wife. Like…this isn’t 1724. The hook to the song is pretty embarrassing, who wants to be caught singing, “Once I was four years old, picking on my nose, where nobody goes.”
9. Private Show by Britney Spears
Only a few minutes on this one because Brittany’s legal team is pretty good at keeping her stuff on youtube, but anyway, this is rough. How does she manage to sound like a squealing four year old even though she is nearing 40? It’s a feat that is both impressive and upsetting. It’s strange I’m nostalgic over the time she shaved her head, flipped off the media and said, “Screw this.”
8. NO by Meghan Trainor
Is guess this is pretty bad, but is it bad because it’s actually bad or is bad because it is engineered feminism packaged with a hint of corporate pandering? I’m not sure, and while I feel I’m also pretty into music, I’m left wondering where this person came from and why she makes such mediocre music. This isn’t horrible, but it’s not great by any stretch and ends up sounding like a Brittany Spears b-side. Also, why are they in an darkened Home Depot?
7. i hate u, i love u by gnash
I had deju vu and I thought I was listening to the first song again, because you know…piano intro with soft, affected voices. Anyway, this is leagues better than any song I’ve listened to on this list so far insomuch that in comparison this sounds like…really good and I know that’s not the case because without the context I’d hate this.
6. I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
What.is.this? I forgot this dude existed, and here he is with a ham fisted social commentary track on the faux-problems of rich dudes in L.A. and Ibiza. You know, the plight of the working man. It’s simultaneously heinous and forgettable. He also riding a line that is way too close to chipmunk vocals. Like, for real – he sounds like Alvin’s reject cousin that lives in Chicago and frequently goes to EDM nights at his local brewpub.
5. Bad Things by Machine Gun Kelly
This is the music equivalent of accidentally contracting herpes playing beer pong. This was just preposterously bad. I can’t fathom anything worse than this.
4. Ghostbusters (I’m Not Afraid) by Fall Out Boy & Missy Elliott
Nope. I can’t do this.
3. Team by Iggy Azalea
Inspired choice not to appear in your video, so this gets marks for that “brave” choice but other than that I think I disagree with this placement. The beat is…bearable and say what you will, Iggy Azalea has a voice that is…tolerable. Yeah, you can lament the culture appropriation that she flagrantly takes advantage of her, including some pretty cringy lines (the Jamaican ones are pretty rough) but other than that I don’t think I’d set fire to my car radio if this came on, unlike…
2. Mom by Meghan Trainor
This is like listening to someone get book checked in high school. This is a song literally about #coolmoms and I can not stress hard enough how laughably crazy this song is. The weird doowap beat and the Kidz Bop style singing coupled with a line that is literally, “my mom is the bomb!” This is no more than an attempt to cash in on the only day Mom’s get, Mother’s Day. We can already hear this in a 2017 romantic comedy trailer called, “Mom” starring…a couple of kids from the CW and Robert DeNiro because the man has no self-respect.
1. Can’t Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake