Opening Volley

It’s been a damn fine year here in Columbus. It seems like every other day we land on some “Best” list nationwide (see page 134), and in an issue where we let you pin the ribbon on your local faves (page 59), it’s worth noting that I had a few personal highlights in 2014, too.

This job keeps getting weirder and more wonderful every year, and so I thought I would catalog my BEST DAYS EVAR!! here in this space. And since emojis don’t translate very well to print, each comes with its own superfluous and technologically useless hashtag. #enjoy

December 31: Started a yearlong personal campaign (that lasted three days) to mis-attribute mid-’90 songs lyrics to famous intellectuals online. I still wonder how many that liked the post know who “The past is gone but something might be found to take its place,” is Gin Blossoms, not Neil deGrasse Tyson.#evolution #iamfunny

March 17: Spent the day looking through thousands of old photos for a cover collage that included my boss’s dog and a good friend’s butt crack. #ColtLewis #DaneTerry

January 18: Purchased a double-sided axe and a bottle of bourbon…for work. #prepped #vortex #JackTorrance

March 8: Delivered about 5,000 (614) Magazines in a van with Executive Editor David S. Lewis. #goodjobSteve #beefjerky

April 20: Found some “buy one get one free” beef jerky at a local Speedway. #beefjerky

June 16: Played an ill-prepared set of country tunes with my old man. #BillandLilBill #Honky #Tonk

October 2: Retired as a sports writer. #UWeekly #alotofwritersstayincollegefor8years

June 22: Tied up an owner of a prominent local pizza chain while his co-owner stood watch on top of a van in a ninja costume, on top of a parking garage in mid-day; held a flash knee-deep in a river while two of my writers faced off in a battle of canoe-machete chicken #greatfun #badidea #614TheMovie

May 12: Received a double middle finger on the street from my girl’s ex. #BOOM

August 3: Officiated a wedding in a comedy club. I was the third-funniest on stage. #nuptials #FunnyBone #stillcannottieabowtie

April 21: Executed, with the help of a crack team working around the clock, a chalkboard mural so real and vibrant that most people assumed it was Photoshopped anyway. #noregrets #drywall #ColumBest2013

March 29: Had a nephew. (Technically, my sister-in-law did the heavy lifting, but it was still a personal highlight).
#MasonPaulHoewischer

December 11: Sat in a chair while E. Gordon Gee lobbed insults at me through a megaphone #buckeye #roasted

February 27: Went to Pittsburgh. #Fatheads #worldtraveler #daydrunk

January 23: Was hired by the Cleveland Browns. #doppelganger #MikePettine #jockinmystyle

July 20: Won an Emmy. #ridiculous #NOSH #NBC4 #wenttoTVcamp

July 11: Got 200 likes on a Facebook post; still, mostly ignored Twitter. #hashtag #traditional

April 4: Got a heart-warming hand-written letter from an openly gay, war-vet advocate, who I once shared a Labatt Blue Light with a few years back. #thanksTwink #allies

June 15: Won a completely ludicrous Celebrity Bartending event, mostly by virtue of having less stuff floating in mine that the other competitors. And one was a magician. #suckitJohnnyDiloretto #Digfest

November 14: Printed a story that got the Wall Street Journal to take notice and coax an apology out of a global swimming star. #NyadOhNo #LoriGumshoe

May 29: Went to Ikea. Nice place. #goodprices #inandout #nomeatballs #movedinwithmyGF

November 30: Went to my 15-year high school class reunion. #lies #MillerLite

Today: Added one more Best list to the Columbus pile. #bigwinners #cop-out #funnyhashtags

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