A Last Minute Weekend Halloween Costume Guide
Written By Chris Manis, Originally Published in (614) Magazine.
Welcome to your one definitive, last minute weekend costume guide for Halloween. Right now you might be saying, “But costumes are totally subjective, you can’t just decide what people like and dislike.”
Wrong. I can. I am about to.
“Who made you the judge and jury of my costume choices?”
Me. I did that. Just now, when I started writing this.
“Whatever dude, I’m gonna do what I want.”
Me too! And what I want to do is tell you you’re wrong. Don’t come crying to me when your shitty Nerd Playing Pokemon Go costume doesn’t wow the crowd. You should have gone as Guy Who Got Hit by a Car Playing Pokemon Go.
Let’s get started with the one rule that must be followed above all else, in case you have a hard time catching on. I shouldn’t have to say this, but the world is full of garbage people, so here we go:
Nope. None. Not okay. You don’t have a unique take on this, because there is no unique, or funny, or acceptable take on this. Repeat after me: no blackface, not once, not ever. We good? Let’s move on.
This category was bound to be popular this year, so the organizers of Highball went ahead and dedicated all of Friday night to it with live performances of bowie tribute songs, and a public Bowie costume contest. Goblin King, Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane—any of these are good options. There is only one Bowie era that must be avoided, and that is Dying of Liver Cancer Era Bowie. Dude went out on top, and never let the public see him when he was down. Don’t you dare defile his legacy.
I’m gonna go ahead and say this: I’m not confident that you can pull this off. If you think you can, feel free to try, but be wary. This can’t be a half-hearted attempt. Don’t wear a soaking wet purple shirt and think you’ve got it in the bag. You might need live doves to pull this one off, and I don’t even know where to get those. Just know that in the end, Nina West will almost definitely do it better. Godspeed.
Dressing as the Brazilian police? Nope. Don’t do that. Dressing as Ryan Lochte being held for questioning while wearing a speedo and goggles? Go for the gold.
In this category, there is only one right choice and one wrong choice. You might wonder if painting your front teeth black (*not blackface, should be fine) and going as the lovable Dustin might be the right move. Or maybe teaming up with your friends for a fun group costume. These are all safe choices and you are not wrong to consider them. However, you are wrong if you choose to go as Barb.
I get it, she’s the anti hero. She’s you when you were a teen, watching your friends make all the wrong choices. How adorable. You think everyone will love you, but this is the wrong costume for one simple reason: nobody is trying to party with Barb. The heights of her nagging are only topped by her high waisted mom jeans. Barb is not getting lit and crashing the fashion show. Barb is not leading an impromptu conga line in front of the beer tent. You know who is doing all that, and more? The mother f*cking Demogorgon. That thing is turnt up (-side down), and is bringing everyone with it to the party. Be the Demogorgon. Be the party.
As you find yourself awash in a sea of Sexy Harambe costumes, you’ll think back to this guide and remember that I warned you. You’ll wish that you had dressed as Nora, the cutest, cuddliest, still very much alive, Polar Bear that has ever existed. Nora may have packed up the U-Haul (great costume idea) and left to start her new life at the Oregon Zoo, but she’ll forever live here in our hearts. P.S. RIP Harambe.
A pile of bricks with a Bernie’s sign will be way too much weight to carry around and leaves absolutely no chance for dancing. A better, and ultimately more versatile costume is, of course, a big tumbleweed with a sign reading: FMMF.