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“Bizarre Utopia,” hilarious article pokes holes in Planet Oasis plan

614now

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Let’s talk Planet Oasis: Some of you are excited, others are concerned.

But one OhVarsity! article suggests that it’s all just a big joke.

“Planet Oasis is Central Ohio’s Bizarre Utopia,” is an op-ed that very sarcastically pokes holes in the gigantic plan for the entertainment complex in Delaware County.

First, the author Matt Allaire, points out that the Planet Oasis website (planetoasis.fun) provides little to no information.

And, the Kick Off video published to YouTube was just begging to be comedically ripped apart.

In the video, David Glimcher, Principal/Visionary/President, opens with, “Planet Oasis is located in Ohio because it’s the center of the universe!”

“I’m gonna call B.S. on that, just simply because it pisses me off,” writes Allaire. “I love Ohio, but rural Ohio is not a destination point no matter how much you try to spin it.

Next, the author touches on how the entertainment complex is marketing towards “anyone 3 to 83.”

“Are you not allowed to bring a 2 year old?” he writes jokingly. “What if you’re 87 and just looking for a good time?”

“World Class Health & Wellness” is one of Planet Oasis’ main selling points according to the video.

At one point, a scrolling lists of services appears; “Eastern Therapy, Energy Doctors, Nutritionists…”

“Who wants a nutritionist on vacation? Not me. Might as well get my prostate checked while I’m at PLANET OASIS,” mocks Allaire. Also, I need to know what an Energy Doctor is, and if they can prescribe BDE.”

What the author calls the “funniest” part of the video is when Glimcher is talking about the park’s alleged paddle boats and gondolas while B-roll of Universal Studios plays.

“They just took footage of Universal Studios and extremely poorly blurred out the giant logo in the background. Universal Studios would be one of Planet Oasis’ biggest competitors, so using their footage to help sell your park seems like an extremely bad idea,” writes Allaire. “Also, they definitely didn’t license this which makes it even funnier to me.”

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When the video goes into Planet Oasis’ Augmented and Virtual Reality features, the author goes off.

“Only one of the things they show actually exists yet!” he said.

Then, there’s the butterfly museum with “over 3,000 species.”

“WHY??” Allaire wonders.

And the “Sky Wheel.”

“WHY????? At this point you’re probably reacting like most people, asking how this is even possible,” he said.

Planet Oasis’ liberal use of stock image in their very first image was also a main laughing point for Allaire.

Here are a few examples:

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Screen+Shot+2018-07-11+at+2.02.46+PM

“Oh, and this video looks like it was made by me at the age of 12 in Windows Movie Maker,” he said.

Allaire on location: “The craziest part of this is that Delaware County hasn’t even agreed to this yet.”

Allaire on cost: “TWO. BILLION. DOLLARS. IN RURAL OHIO. That’s a lot of money!”

Allaire on the Planet Oasis in general: “I’m sure these are all good people but this just seems like a disaster from the beginning. Would probably be best to call this off before it begins.”

Read all his hot takes at ohvarsity.com

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Biz + Dev

Set your sights on new rooftop bar + restaurant, opening next month

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Short North's newest place to eat, stay, and play will open tomorrow. The 13-story, $50 million, 167-room Canopy by Hilton will hold its grand opening on July 30 at 77 E. Nationwide Blvd, featuring two dining options and a rooftop lounge.

Central Market House restaurant on the ground floor will act as the hotel's main food provider with breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The menu will feature a flexitarian (semi-vegetarian) menu of local and healthy options.

A dedicated elevator will take guests to Goodale Station, which offers stunning views of Downtown Columbus, the Short North, and Goodale Park. Goodale Station will feature a Southern-inspired menu for dinner and small plates along with craft cocktails open each day at 4:00 PM.

The Central Market House is named after Central Market which served as the central economic center of Columbus from 1850 until 1966, while Goodale Station pays tribute to Dr. Lincoln Goodale, one of Columbus’ founding fathers.

Other features of the Canopy hotel include:

  • Three deluxe and flexible meeting spaces offering a total of 1,850 square feet of space
  • Transfer Lounge with lockers and private showers for guests who arrive early
  • The Retreat, for guests seeking a quiet space
  • Complimentary Canopy Bikes which guests can use to explore the Short North
  • Rooftop state of the art fitness center

The Columbus location is one of only six other Canopy hotel in the United States.

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Don’t look back in anger at this Olde Towne East bakery closure

Mike Thomas

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They say there are five stages of grief, but don't mind us if we skip straight to "anger" with the news of this latest loss.

According to a post on Instagram, Angry Baker's original location in Olde Towne East has closed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B0bh1HTAutI/

This news follows the closure of the King Ave location of Angry Baker in 2018. Affiliated locations in Upper Arlington and on North High Street will carry on under the name Happy Little Treats, a new all-vegan concept.

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Site of abandoned Cooper Stadium could become next booming neighborhood

Mike Thomas

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The Columbus Clippers played their final game in Cooper Stadium way back in 2008. Since then, the storied ballpark has fallen to disrepair, becoming a popular site for urban explorers and ruin porn enthusiasts.

Plans for a multi-million-dollar project on the site that would have included an 8,500-seat racetrack and an automotive research center were announced years ago, but never came to fruition.

Now, the owners of the Coop have announced another redevelopment plan, which would bring offices, apartments, mixed-use commercial space, and creative work spaces to the decaying plot.

The site plan, which was submitted to the city by Arshot Development Corp., outlines the construction of 500 apartments, along with possible space for restaurants.

The next phase of the proposed project will take place at an area commission hearing on the rezoning application for the site, which has been scheduled for 7 p.m. on Aug. 21. 614NOW will continue to follow this story as it develops.

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