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“Bizarre Utopia,” hilarious article pokes holes in Planet Oasis plan

614now Staff

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Let’s talk Planet Oasis: Some of you are excited, others are concerned.

But one OhVarsity! article suggests that it’s all just a big joke.

“Planet Oasis is Central Ohio’s Bizarre Utopia,” is an op-ed that very sarcastically pokes holes in the gigantic plan for the entertainment complex in Delaware County.

First, the author Matt Allaire, points out that the Planet Oasis website (planetoasis.fun) provides little to no information.

And, the Kick Off video published to YouTube was just begging to be comedically ripped apart.

In the video, David Glimcher, Principal/Visionary/President, opens with, “Planet Oasis is located in Ohio because it’s the center of the universe!”

“I’m gonna call B.S. on that, just simply because it pisses me off,” writes Allaire. “I love Ohio, but rural Ohio is not a destination point no matter how much you try to spin it.

Next, the author touches on how the entertainment complex is marketing towards “anyone 3 to 83.”

“Are you not allowed to bring a 2 year old?” he writes jokingly. “What if you’re 87 and just looking for a good time?”

“World Class Health & Wellness” is one of Planet Oasis’ main selling points according to the video.

At one point, a scrolling lists of services appears; “Eastern Therapy, Energy Doctors, Nutritionists…”

“Who wants a nutritionist on vacation? Not me. Might as well get my prostate checked while I’m at PLANET OASIS,” mocks Allaire. Also, I need to know what an Energy Doctor is, and if they can prescribe BDE.”

What the author calls the “funniest” part of the video is when Glimcher is talking about the park’s alleged paddle boats and gondolas while B-roll of Universal Studios plays.

“They just took footage of Universal Studios and extremely poorly blurred out the giant logo in the background. Universal Studios would be one of Planet Oasis’ biggest competitors, so using their footage to help sell your park seems like an extremely bad idea,” writes Allaire. “Also, they definitely didn’t license this which makes it even funnier to me.”

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When the video goes into Planet Oasis’ Augmented and Virtual Reality features, the author goes off.

“Only one of the things they show actually exists yet!” he said.

Then, there’s the butterfly museum with “over 3,000 species.”

“WHY??” Allaire wonders.

And the “Sky Wheel.”

“WHY????? At this point you’re probably reacting like most people, asking how this is even possible,” he said.

Planet Oasis’ liberal use of stock image in their very first image was also a main laughing point for Allaire.

Here are a few examples:

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Screen+Shot+2018-07-11+at+2.02.46+PM

“Oh, and this video looks like it was made by me at the age of 12 in Windows Movie Maker,” he said.

Allaire on location: “The craziest part of this is that Delaware County hasn’t even agreed to this yet.”

Allaire on cost: “TWO. BILLION. DOLLARS. IN RURAL OHIO. That’s a lot of money!”

Allaire on the Planet Oasis in general: “I’m sure these are all good people but this just seems like a disaster from the beginning. Would probably be best to call this off before it begins.”

Read all his hot takes at ohvarsity.com

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Biz + Dev

German Village property owner looking to bring new restaurant to the area

614now Staff

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A property owner in German Village hopes to fill a vacant storefront in the next few weeks. What do you think should go in the space at 277 E Livingston Ave.?

Edward Mershad told This Week News he is updating the structure of the property with hopes a restaurant will move in and open by early summer.

The building was formerly occupied by the Happy Dragon. It was to become a Philco Diner + Bar by restaurateurs Randy and Tina Corbin, who also own Club 185, but plans fell through.

For more information, visit This Week News.

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Two popular restaurants announced for New Albany development

614now Staff

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Two tasty vendors were just announced for a new development in New Albany. Market & Main is pleased to welcome Katzinger’s Delicatessen and Harvest X Three Tigers to its unique mix of offerings.

Katzinger’s Delicatessen will be located in the Market & Main 2 development on Main Street between Johnson’s Ice Cream and the Heit Center.

Harvest X Three Tigers is a unique collaboration between Harvest owner Chris Crader and Three Tigers Brewing Co. partners Lonnie Hill, Rick Moller and Scott Wilkins. It will be located on 1.5-acres at the former New Albany Mill site at the corner of Main Street and Dublin-Granville Road, which will maintain its historical character in homage to New Albany’s heritage and rural history, according to a release.

Katzinger’s seating capacity is expected to be around 60 and Harvest X Three Tigers will hold even more in approximately 8,000 square feet of interior space as well as an outdoor bier garten area, according to a release.

New Albany’s Market & Main area in the heart of town now has 220,000 square feet of commercial space. Tenants there include corporate office users like Wallick and UBS, as well as independent operators like Truluck, Elliott Cooper, PetPeople, Whit’s, and Fox in the Snow.

“We’ve partnered with companies who provide tailored products and services that our residents want,” said New Albany Company President Bill Ebbing. “These tenants know that New Albany is a place where they can succeed, especially between our 11,000 residents and the more than 15,000 employees who work in the New Albany International Business Park.”

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New batch of stores, restaurants announced for New Albany development

614now Staff

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Hamilton Quarter, the hot new development at Hamilton and Dublin-Granville roads in New Albany, will be welcoming several new stores and restaurants.

Aqua Tots, Nail Boutique, Great Clips, Clean Juice, Shred 415, Sprint, and City Barbeque are all expected to open this month, reports the Columbus Dispatch.

And in April, GLAMhouse and Beerhead Bar & Eatery, and Chili’s restaurant are planning to open their doors.

Hamilton Quarter's anchor stores include Target, Hobby Lobby, and Five Below.

The 40-acre retail center is part of a larger development, which will include a 500,000-square-foot Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center facility.

For more information, click here.

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