614NOW March Horoscope: Your boss, your college friends, your anaconda

If you’re hip to the Columbus comedy scene (and you should be) you already know the name Amber Falter. Catch Amber as the host of The Growlin Gremlin’ comedy showcase this Monday, March 4 at 8:00pm at the Daily Growler.  In the meantime, join Amber as she gazes into her crystal ball (or whatever) in this month’s installment of 614NOW’s horoscope series.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Never mind the spilt milk, take care of your other groceries! March is going to challenge you, but mostly in the kitchen. Once the new moon hits, get ready to be the chef your father never could be. Open a restaurant named after the person you love the most- YOU! Decorate with your high school participation trophies, but don’t use community tables in the dining area. You can’t sit with us!

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

New moon, new wound—you’re going to be super sick for your work friend’s St. Patrick’s Day party—STILL GO! However, don’t forget to bring a dip. It doesn’t say you have to bring dip in the Facebook event description, but last year you were the only person who didn’t. Don’t let this pressure worry you because someone special will help you with this big dip-decision.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Pump the breaks! This month you’re still a bad driver, but you’re finally going to realize it for yourself. Be more cautious on the road and even more cautious in the bedroom—your partner will set mouse traps because they aren’t as comfortable with the mice as you are. Be patient with her, she is probably just jealous that you are the mouse leader. Move on and let her drive.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

This March, get ready to open your arms and close your mouth. March 15th, a bird will deliver some bad news in the form of song: you are about to be kicked off your family’s health insurance. Act quick! Get your wisdom teeth removed, and prepare to watch a lot of True Detective. Close that trap to keep out infection, but open those arms because you’re going to get a lot of hugs!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 21)

Loosen up and be yourself! Your dog is going to get in the trash to go after all that old meat you tossed out. Use this as a learning moment. Join him in the feast. This March, experiment with new self-care rituals. Whether they be cleaning the McDonalds wrappers and La Croix cans out of your car, or eating spoiled hamburger with your good boy. Most importantly, don’t forget who you are: a labradoodle.

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Virgo (Aug 22 -Sept 23)

Your anaconda don’t want none until you realize you’re just a taller, more stubborn version of your childhood self. This month will be difficult for you while you struggle to shed off your old scaly body. But, don’t worry because under that old flesh suit is a new flesh suit that you can slither around wearing. Just remember to love the snake skin you’re in and call your mom when you need cash this month.

Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)

Someone is going to give you a handout. Hurry and FAX it for them. You’re the only person who knows how to use that old, bad machine. This grand achievement will take your title from “the nice janitor” to “the FAX person” in seconds. Although this was a side gig you picked up to help pay off your student loans, you just might want to stay a while, you just might.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

An older family member will tag you in a series of terrible photos titled “SUNDAY FUNDAY! LOL!” from a mandatory taco dinner months ago. The photos are taken right after the taco bar was finally prepared and everyone looks painfully hungry. Use these photos to memorize each of their hangry faces for future reference. This knowledge will help you diffuse family arguments with just treats! Untag yourself and start packing snacks.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)

Easy there, traveler! College friends will invite you to a cabin trip to Hocking Hills—this is a trap! Your passion for travel will not be fulfilled by this sticky, beer pong-filled weekend! A hot tub is no reason to attempt to tolerate Kyle on tequila. On that note, don’t go just because there’s a hot tub. Why boil in water with your worst enemies when you’re not even in hell yet?

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20)

Alright Cap, you’re moving a little fast this March, but be sure to take time to let some of your demons in! Most of them aren’t terribly rude, but you won’t know until you get to know them. Be the bigger demon and buy them lunch. March 17th, when it comes to that weird bar toilet, know that it is in Pluto’s ten year plan for you to just pee in the sink instead.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Your boss is going to invite you to a meeting near the end of the month to talk about why he hates you. Don’t mind him, he is just a large, spiky turtle with an attitude. Bring your natural confidence, gold coins, and red shells and you will be fine. Your real issue this month will be saving the princess without getting eaten by a potted plant with teeth.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Saturn is bloated and needs some time alone, as do you! You’ve been drunk off White Claws for weeks because you thought you were still at a Galentine’s Day party! Turns out you and your friends are all locked in either a hotel, motel, or a Holiday Inn. Just call the front desk and ask… Nothing wrong with asking

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