No foolin’: your 614NOW April Horoscope

Being April 1, you’re bound to come across some deliberately misleading info on the internet today. That’s simply not the case for your monthly Horoscope, care of Amber “best comedian in Columbus” Falter. Join Amber as she divines the wisdom of the stars (or some shit) for another month, and be sure to catch her at the The Growlin Gremlin’ comedy showcase TOMORROW, April 2 at 7:30pm at the Daily Growler.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Trust your gut this month and SPIT IT or QUIT IT! The solar eclipse in early April will bring you lots of room for opportunez. Its a real ‘will-they’ or ‘won’t-they’ of whether or not you’ll f*ck your future self over, so take your time! Should you keep producing Garage Band folk albums in your brother’s garage or move onto something bigger like selling knives?

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Breakfast at Epiphany’s! You will realize your fear of listening to voicemails is irrational and this month will be FREEING! Go through your phone and laugh and laugh at the robots and real people that are mad that you may or may not owe money to. They will never catch you and you can’t afford to let them. Your college debt has become your most reliable friend – and you deserve friendship!

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Get ready to shop for cream. Pluto’s Seasonal Affective Disorder is wrapping up, which means there is a possibility of a new and exciting allergy coming to haunt you forever. By summer, you’ll either be coping with your new forever rash or struggling to run the pie stand you inherited from that cousin you never met. No matter what happens, you’re going to need cream.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Winner, winner, Moon wants you to be King Corn. Don’t let the moon pressure you into anything you don’t want to do – YOUR husk, YOUR choice! Be sure to do your research on what it takes to be King of the Crops. Even though outside pressures will demand that you are knee-high by the Fourth of July, explore all other options and follow your corn gut.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 21)

My, my, you’ve been a difficult sea monster! We know March was being rude to you, but look at you now! You have eight lengthy tentacles and a school of fish to boss around. Moving forward, you need to be more forgiving when mermaids steal your precious rocks. Free yourself from material possessions this month. Seriously, those are just rocks.

Virgo (Aug 22 -Sept 23)

I ain’t sayin’ you’re a grave-digger, but you sure know how to use a shovel! Dig deeper than you ever have this month and you’ll be sure to find something very special underneath it all. Your decision to keep what you find in a jar or as a pet could have a large impact on your relationship with your partner. They won’t like it and they don’t want it to replace them.

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Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)

Prepare for handful of great losses this April. Sure, you’re going to lose your hairstylist to a salon you can’t afford, but you’ll also lose your baggage at the airport before an important meeting with your mean boss. This incident will actually lead you to get fired and then the ball is in your court until June 3rd, when everything will somehow get MUCH worse. Have fun while you can!

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

A very merry Scorpio to you! Your fate and success are on the line this month but its a thick line and odds are nothing bad will happen! Great dangers like a debt collector or an asteroid will come at you but you will know exactly what to do (hint:  Marry Bruce Willis, quick!). This phase of your nothing-can-kill-me will be a fun time to get adventurous and do scary stuff – like meet new friends!

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)

Someone you love owes you a lunch. Be patient with them but send a few texts to remind them that you are hungry! The debt will be repaid, but once your hungry hole is finally filled with friend-lunch, you will get a minor toe injury. After the initial shock, you will remember that karma is just trying to remind you to be a good roomie and refill the Brita pitcher. Please, we are so thirsty.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20)

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start feeling sorry for your car. All winter you have really neglected the floor trash and the smell is beginning to ripen. This new moon phase will inspire you to call your mom to see if she has any Moo Moo Car Wash Coupons scattered about, and boy does she! Take your mobile pigpen for a cleanse and start a new hate-layer of 2019 depression garbage!

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Uranus is in planetary jail this month as you need to control your urges to join clubs or the law will get involved. You hate running and you shouldn’t do it just because that tall glass of water from book club was born with the legs of a gazelle. There will be a point where you realize that the money club you are in is actually just a gambling problem. Go all in, baby.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Ew! Someone needs a new profile picture! Neptune is begging you to go that dance party this month. Even though you don’t want to be there and you hate the music, there is a photographer documenting everyone getting sloppy drunk. By the end of the month someone will tag you in a pic that will become your new profile picture that could be your last.

Illustrations by Ryan Caskey.

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