As April showers give way to May flowers, it’s time once again for madame Amber Falter, our resident mistress of the dark arts, to peel back the veil of cosmic unknowing (or something) for another edition of the ultra-serious (and ultra-accurate) 614NOW monthly horoscope.
When she’s not sacrificing chickens to gain the gift of second-sight, you can catch Amber on any number of the city’s many great comedy lineups (like this one, for example).
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Grow it, don’t show it! This month you will have the urge to show off your Chia Pet at work, but it won’t play out in your favor because you used your own human hair. You will upset some in the office but not all! Keep the people who accept you for who you are close as Saturn is out to ruin friendships for no reason at all!
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Flowers are blooming and so is your eagerness to be in a canoe. Something about canoes has really got you going lately. You’re not even an outdoors person but you’ll be dying to meet someone new and adventurous this month. But beware, your desperation to become a wilderness type will only bring you heartbreak when you encounter a bug and you hate bugs.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Your addiction to eavesdropping is going to open a new door for your confidence. You’ll overhear someone talking about the difference between museli and granola and this will make you feel superior for most of the month. Prepare to impress no one with this nearly useless information. An opportunity will arise at the end of the month but you will just let it die in front of you!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
As Star Man begins his Annual Anger Fight with Saturn, you’ll experience some super negative vibes in your workspace. Don’t give into them as they will pass in a few days AND someone you hate will quit. Stress will also burden you this month while you attempt to cut back on using React-Emojis too often on Facebook. But just relax- You heart what you heart and that’s OKAY!
Leo (July 23 – Aug 21)
Pucker up, the new moon is going to send you so many little kissies this May! This flirtatious moon will bring out your seductive side and will make you wonder if you could ever see yourself dating a space rock. Even though you could probably never make it work, use these sexy moon compliments to climb any rock you want.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Virgo (Aug 22 -Sept 23)
Justin Timberlake is in retrograde this May and this means he will need many soothing baths. Be gentle with his little noodle body when you put him in the tub because he’s just so wiggly. It will be your job to keep JT pure, clean and brushed. If you can keep him alive, he’ll take a lot off of your plate financially and permanently!
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Your recent “yes-man” attitude is catching up to you and you’re aging at an alarming rate! You’ve been doing favors for everyone but yourself! Stop saying yes this month and only say no. Give up all other words in your vocabulary and become a giant, mean toddler because you deserve some LEGO time! Get back to being your own bitch instead of everyone else’s bitch, bitch!
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)
Someone you thought you blocked on your phone will text you this month. You will have to choose between saying “new phone, who dis?” or nothing at all. Whichever decision you make will never satisfy you, so let loose this May and take that trip you can’t afford. Once the full moon hits, someone will also text you to “go look at it.” Go outside alone and just look at it.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20)
Call the fire station because you’re a hot mess! Your free spirit will set off an alarm this month, in a bad way! You’re going to set off your friend’s fire alarm during a party you were trying to avoid talking to people at by offering to make the pizzas. You can’t cook a Digorno Pizza after 6 White Claws, that’s just science.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Jupiter hasn’t finished his 500 piece puzzle and this will complicate things for you. An elder in your life will join Instagram and you’ll struggle with what you post most of May. Remember, you CAN block comments! Also, be ready to put your arms up because something hard will be thrown at your face on the 15th. It will likely break your nose but not your spirit!
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Either your dad or your credit card company will call you often this month and they are MAD. Don’t pick up until you’re ready. On the 26th of May you will develop a new and exciting habit that will aid you in your circus career. Also, that white lie you told will come back to haunt you and you will lose credibility at your book club forever.