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Columbus Man Surprised That I-71 Is Busy During Rush Hour Traffic

Mitch Hooper

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After finishing another day of “working at Nationwide,” Bryan “with a Y” Johnson hopped into his car and headed towards the highway. It was a maneuver he had made a million times on his venture to and from his office, and this day was just like any other day: it was 5 p.m. and traffic on I-71 is backed up. Johnson, to say the least, was shocked and angered.

“How does this happen every time I get on the highway between the hours of 4:30 p.m. and 6:30 p.m.?,” Johnson questioned to himself as he slammed his hands on his steering wheel. “Why aren’t we moving? Where are all these people coming from? There isn’t even an accident!”

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As his car inched forward on the road, his anger rose by the second. It was then when a slight drizzle began.

“Great,” Mr. Bryan With A Y uttered. “Now I’ll never make it to my 5:45 p.m. reservations at Chili’s with my boys.”

He decided to take a detour; a quick turn here and there to get out of the madness. It was then when the Columbus Man realized, I-315 traffic is also busy during rush hour. With the ample time in traffic, Johnson took to Facebook to call out all the distracted drivers who hold up traffic.

“I don’t know how, but I just know the millennials are to blame for this,” the now deleted Facebook post closed with.

millennial | writer | human

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Satire

Columbus man holding his breath George R.R. Martin will right the wrongs in series finale of GOT

Mitch Hooper

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“You can’t let these HBO suits ruin your masterpiece,” Pete Schumaker, long-time Game Of Thrones fan and Columbus Man, said on Sunday night following the closing credits of the series.

Schumaker, after going down a rabbit hole of fan theories on Reddit, said he just needs to know if the rumors are true or not—are two more books in the pipeline, or is this merely a fantastical tale with no end? With a deep breath, he uttered one last sentence before he took his oath to peaceful protest.

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“Your move, George.”

Schumaker was last seen on his couch, passed out, with a half-eaten bowl of popcorn beside a few crushed cans of White Claw. Sources say HBO is still running on his television, although 614now has been unable to confirm or deny this claim. Schumaker was a known fan of Jon Snow and thought Bran was “kind of a push over.” His words, not ours.

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(614) Meme of the Day

614now

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If you’re familiar the internet, odds are you’re intimate with memes. We’ve seen them all—Lady Gaga in A Star is Born, mocking Spongebob, Drake in basically anything—except memes specific to Columbus. Allow us to fill your void.

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Columbus man tired of waiting in Fox in the Snow’s long line

Mitch Hooper

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It’s was a perfectly warm Saturday morning when Columbus man Rick Smith decided he was going to venture out of his luxury high-rise apartment and snag a few pastries from popular coffeehouse and bakery, Fox In The Snow. It was to his dismay when he arrived at 9:17 a.m. (“not even that late,” as described) to a line out the door.

“It’s truly outrageous,” he wrote on his blog that no one reads. “Why are all these people so infatuated with delicious and high-quality baked goods served with a happy face? It pisses me off!”

As Smith described the scene, he mentioned one Instagram influencer who arrived and didn’t even eat the food.

“They just took a picture of it,” Smith typed, clearly confused.

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Another patron held up the line with an insane order that almost sent Smith over the edge. According to the angered man, the customer ordered not two, but three, different orders that were each paid for separately. Of those three payments, two were in cash and required an “excessive” amount of change.

“The audacity of the people in this city blows my mind,” he wrote.

Eventually, Smith got to the front of the line. Since he was such an asshole, Fox In The Snow Bouncers escorted him to the nearest Burger King.

“The King has better croissants anyway,” he shouted as he was drug out the door.

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