Connect with us

Satire

Satireday: Our interview with an intergalactic alien

Mitch Hooper

Published

on

Strangely, just before publication, the (614) offices were contacted by the Wow! signal once again. (Read to catch up.) This time, we were able to pin down the exact source of the radio transmission and translate the conversation.

Who are you? Where are you from?

I am a highly-intelligent sentient lifeform from a far away galaxy beyond your reasoning. My vocal orifice is specially designed to translate my thoughts into whatever language you need to understand—Latin, English, Klingon, I am fluent in all. My home planet was destroyed in an intergalactic war. We fought bravely and honorably for our planet, but alas our star soldier made an unexpected move in free agency during the offseason and joined the enemy. While all was lost, I am the only survivor who lives to speak of the travesties. My name is Todd.

Wow, that sounds terrible. Wait? Your name is Todd… Really?

Indeed. Is there something wrong?

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

No, it just seems like a highly-intelligent lifeform from a far away planet would have a weirder, I mean, more complex—you know what? Never mind. Why did you choose to reach out to Columbus?

If there is a problem with my name, I can gladly start up the nuclear converter engine and go elsewhere. This is your first interview with a new lifeform and you’re stuck on my name? Is that all you humans do? Is “Don’t judge a book by its cover” a thing in this city? Oh my globba-glob-gob, you humans are all the same. When I contacted this technologically-deficient city in the 70s, at least they had the decency to ignore me just like how you all ignored the restaurant that contained the statues of our gods. 

Gods? Alien gods in a restaurant?

Yes. We wanted to warn them of the impending prophecy of destruction by urban development—that eventually all things alien would be replaced with the sad trappings of human suburbia. But our message was intercepted and our beautiful temple was bulldozed into oblivion and became a chain drugstore and a frozen food line. Typical humans.

All right, Todd. No need to get defensive. So what’s time travel like?

Don’t patronize me. I have more intelligence and knowledge in my ninth phalange than your entire existence has combined. How dare you? I know the cure to diseases that have plagued your kind for a millennium. I’ve traveled to planets your puny machines wouldn’t last a second on. I’ve seen organisms that defy your understanding of biology. I am an organism that defies your understanding of biology!

And your name is… Todd??

Forget this, I’m calling Ann Arbor. *hangs up*

millennial | writer | human

Continue Reading
Comments

Satire

Satireday: Clintonville Man vows to catch dog poo bag bandits even if it’s the last thing he does

Mitch Hooper

Published

on

“There’s two types of people in this world: good, kind, respectful people, and criminals who dispose of their dog’s waste in other people’s trash bins.” — Aaron Lee, Clintonville Man.

Passionate is one way to describe Lee’s drive for justice. When it comes to morning walkers, afternoon joggers, and evening strollers with their pups, Lee has smelled enough.

“They just dump their dumps in my dumpsters. I don’t get it.”

So what is a man to do when the poo is piling in your garbage cans? Lee suggests catching them in the act.

“I’ll sit in this damn garbage can all weekend if I have to,” Lee proudly stated. “If it takes a lifetime, I will fight for justice. I encourage my fellow community members to follow me in this act of courage.”

When asked what the big deal is about bagged doggy poo mingling with his other garbage, Lee slowly and quietly closed the lid to his trash can and did not return for further questions.

Continue Reading

Satire

Satireday: 5 things you have to see at ComFest this weekend

Mitch Hooper

Published

on

Our annual celebration of the city is back! Don’t miss out on your chance to see all it has to offer. Here’s five things we can’t wait to see this weekend.

5.) Man who brought his snake from home

The snake is actually really friendly. Unfortunately, the man is not.

4.) Smoke from behind a Port-A-Potty

The fun part is deciding if that bad smell is from weed, or the toilet! Bonus points if a police officer catches them, minus points if it’s just a teenager using his JUUL.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

3.) Juggalos

Once considered a gang threat to the FBI now advocates for climate change, the Juggalos are complex, yet considerate. Plus, they can maybe even hook your kid up with a totally sick face paint set up!

2.) Guy eating a turkey leg

When you’re eating a turkey leg, your manliness score just shot up 1000%. Is that Conan The Barbarian, or Steve down in accounting? Either way, he looks tough.

1.) Nudity

Hey, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Who can hook us up with a sweet ass dragon blowing fire on our chest?

Continue Reading

Satire

Satireday: Local Rebel elects to “wait it out” rather than using some “new-age” at BMV

Mitch Hooper

Published

on

For Gary McPherson—former Columbus Man, now Local Rebel, currently still at the BMV—some things just don’t need to change.

“I’ve been coming to the BMV for 35 years now,” McPherson angrily explained. “And now you’re telling me I can just waltz in here using some fancy pants technology to hold my place in line? Not on my watch.”

After the announcement of Gov. Mike DeWine’s program to cut back waiting time at the BMV, McPherson said this was yet another move to make the next generation “softer.”

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

“What happened to the good old days where you had to wait in line while the six people ahead of you forgot all of their required paperwork? Back in my day, we’d have to hike three miles uphill both ways just to get to the BMV. Nowadays, kids just ride those damn scooters.”

Thanks to the new app, McPherson’s trip to the BMV took an additional 30 minutes. As he was next in line, someone who had secured a window at that moment arrived forcing him back to his seat to await his turn.

“Sure, I was angry just like any other trip to the BMV, but this just didn’t feel right,” McPherson said, clearly disheartened. “I want to sit next to the person who potentially will ruin my lunch break.”

Continue Reading

No mo’ FOMO

Missing out sucks. That's why our daily email is so important. You'll be up-to-date on the latest happenings and things to do in Cbus + be the first to snag our daily giveaways

Shop Now!

The Magazines

X