Satireday: Our interview with an intergalactic alien

Strangely, just before publication, the (614) offices were contacted by the Wow! signal once again. (Read to catch up.) This time, we were able to pin down the exact source of the radio transmission and translate the conversation.

Who are you? Where are you from?

I am a highly-intelligent sentient lifeform from a far away galaxy beyond your reasoning. My vocal orifice is specially designed to translate my thoughts into whatever language you need to understand—Latin, English, Klingon, I am fluent in all. My home planet was destroyed in an intergalactic war. We fought bravely and honorably for our planet, but alas our star soldier made an unexpected move in free agency during the offseason and joined the enemy. While all was lost, I am the only survivor who lives to speak of the travesties. My name is Todd.

Wow, that sounds terrible. Wait? Your name is Todd… Really?

Indeed. Is there something wrong?

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No, it just seems like a highly-intelligent lifeform from a far away planet would have a weirder, I mean, more complex—you know what? Never mind. Why did you choose to reach out to Columbus?

If there is a problem with my name, I can gladly start up the nuclear converter engine and go elsewhere. This is your first interview with a new lifeform and you’re stuck on my name? Is that all you humans do? Is “Don’t judge a book by its cover” a thing in this city? Oh my globba-glob-gob, you humans are all the same. When I contacted this technologically-deficient city in the 70s, at least they had the decency to ignore me just like how you all ignored the restaurant that contained the statues of our gods. 

Gods? Alien gods in a restaurant?

Yes. We wanted to warn them of the impending prophecy of destruction by urban development—that eventually all things alien would be replaced with the sad trappings of human suburbia. But our message was intercepted and our beautiful temple was bulldozed into oblivion and became a chain drugstore and a frozen food line. Typical humans.

All right, Todd. No need to get defensive. So what’s time travel like?

Don’t patronize me. I have more intelligence and knowledge in my ninth phalange than your entire existence has combined. How dare you? I know the cure to diseases that have plagued your kind for a millennium. I’ve traveled to planets your puny machines wouldn’t last a second on. I’ve seen organisms that defy your understanding of biology. I am an organism that defies your understanding of biology!

And your name is… Todd??

Forget this, I’m calling Ann Arbor. *hangs up*

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