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614NOW May Horoscope

Amber Falter



As April showers give way to May flowers, it’s time once again for madame Amber Falter, our resident mistress of the dark arts, to peel back the veil of cosmic unknowing (or something) for another edition of the ultra-serious (and ultra-accurate) 614NOW monthly horoscope.
When she’s not sacrificing chickens to gain the gift of second-sight, you can catch Amber on any number of the city’s many great comedy lineups (like
this one, for example).

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Grow it, don’t show it! This month you will have the urge to show off your Chia Pet at work, but it won’t play out in your favor because you used your own human hair. You will upset some in the office but not all! Keep the people who accept you for who you are close as Saturn is out to ruin friendships for no reason at all!

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Flowers are blooming and so is your eagerness to be in a canoe. Something about canoes has really got you going lately. You’re not even an outdoors person but you’ll be dying to meet someone new and adventurous this month. But beware, your desperation to become a wilderness type will only bring you heartbreak when you encounter a bug and you hate bugs.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Your addiction to eavesdropping is going to open a new door for your confidence. You’ll overhear someone talking about the difference between museli and granola and this will make you feel superior for most of the month. Prepare to impress no one with this nearly useless information. An opportunity will arise at the end of the month but you will just let it die in front of you!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

As Star Man begins his Annual Anger Fight with Saturn, you’ll experience some super negative vibes in your workspace. Don’t give into them as they will pass in a few days AND someone you hate will quit. Stress will also burden you this month while you attempt to cut back on using React-Emojis too often on Facebook. But just relax-   You heart what you heart and that’s OKAY!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 21)

Pucker up, the new moon is going to send you so many little kissies this May! This flirtatious moon will bring out your seductive side and will make you wonder if you could ever see yourself dating a space rock. Even though you could probably never make it work, use these sexy moon compliments to climb any rock you want.


Virgo (Aug 22 -Sept 23)

Justin Timberlake is in retrograde this May and this means he will need many soothing baths. Be gentle with his little noodle body when you put him in the tub because he’s just so wiggly. It will be your job to keep JT pure, clean and brushed. If you can keep him alive, he’ll take a lot off of your plate financially and permanently!

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Your recent “yes-man” attitude is catching up to you and you’re aging at an alarming rate! You’ve been doing favors for everyone but yourself! Stop saying yes this month and only say no. Give up all other words in your vocabulary and become a giant, mean toddler because you deserve some LEGO time! Get back to being your own bitch instead of everyone else’s bitch, bitch!

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)

Someone you thought you blocked on your phone will text you this month. You will have to choose between saying “new phone, who dis?” or nothing at all. Whichever decision you make will never satisfy you, so let loose this May and take that trip you can’t afford. Once the full moon hits, someone will also text you to “go look at it.” Go outside alone and just look at it.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20)

Call the fire station because you’re a hot mess! Your free spirit will set off an alarm this month, in a bad way! You’re going to set off your friend’s fire alarm during a party you were trying to avoid talking to people at by offering to make the pizzas. You can’t cook a Digorno Pizza after 6 White Claws, that’s just science.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Jupiter hasn’t finished his 500 piece puzzle and this will complicate things for you. An elder in your life will join Instagram and you’ll struggle with what you post most of May. Remember, you CAN block comments! Also, be ready to put your arms up because something hard will be thrown at your face on the 15th. It will likely break your nose but not your spirit!

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Either your dad or your credit card company will call you often this month and they are MAD. Don’t pick up until you’re ready. On the 26th of May you will develop a new and exciting habit that will aid you in your circus career. Also, that white lie you told will come back to haunt you and you will lose credibility at your book club forever.

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Satireday: Construction barrel still rolling down High Street

Mitch Hooper



Is it simply a construction site mishap, or the work of Banksy? If you ask the Columbus community, the jury's still out.

On Saturday morning in the Short North, the quiet arts district noticed quite the commotion as one large orange traffic barrel began tumbling down the street. As members of the neighborhood flooded the streets to save the traffic barrel, they paused for a moment of reflection.

"It's really symbolic of our city," said Irene Glennon as she recalled the scene. "Arizona has tumbleweeds, Columbus has traffic barrels."

Reports have cited the barrel may have originated from the 5th Avenue construction zone, although, the high amount of traffic barrels in the city leaves this claim unverified.

It didn't take long to start a trend. Soon after the first barrel rolled down High, a second barrel tumbled down Summit. And a third made its way on Fourth.

"Get out of my face, kid, I don't have time for this," said construction worker Nick Antoni when asked for comment. "I've got three rogue barrels loose in the city."

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Satireday: Q&A with Book Loft’s Skeleton Lord




Malamarkus, Our Skeleton Lord, calls The Book Loft of German Village his home, and, aside from updates on Twitter, is generally clouded in mystery. I sought out the Skeleton Lord himself (don’t ask me about my method of contact — it definitely wasn’t an offering of snail shells and goose feathers carried by ravens to The Pit) to try to clear up exactly what Malamarkus is all about. 

Most religions have some really strong tenets. The Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, etc. Aside from supporting indie bookshops, what are the tenets of following Malamarkus? Also, what’s official name of Malamarkus’ religion? 

The Followers must adhere to the rules of Nothing and No One, and only the Good will be sacrificed into The Pit, the den of Perpetual Sadness. We do not have a “name” and are only bound to the Ultimate Release of Death. 

What exactly is going to happen during Ascension? (Which, by my count, will take place on Dec. 8, 2020) 

Nice Damn Try, buddy.

How do you, Malamarkus the Skeleton Lord, feel about Old Town Road by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus? 

If it’s good for the Electric Slide, then it is fine by Me.

Are there any authors that you would like to extend a formal invitation to The Pit to? (pls make George R.R. Martin hurry up with the ASOIAF books. pls.)

The Followers Book Club have just started reading “Ancient Oceans of Central Kentucky” by David Connerley Nahm (Two Dollar Radio), which is Damn Good but a formal invitation could only go to Mary Berry, The Mother of Us All.

Last question: You have a few sentences to convince any skeptics out there to convert to following Malamarkus. What do you say or do to make a true believer out of someone?

Convert or be boiled alive with the other Sinners and Rat Bastards.

Follow The Book Loft and become a Follower of Malamarkus on Twitter.

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Satireday: Our interview with an intergalactic alien

Mitch Hooper



Strangely, just before publication, the (614) offices were contacted by the Wow! signal once again. (Read to catch up.) This time, we were able to pin down the exact source of the radio transmission and translate the conversation.

Who are you? Where are you from?

I am a highly-intelligent sentient lifeform from a far away galaxy beyond your reasoning. My vocal orifice is specially designed to translate my thoughts into whatever language you need to understand—Latin, English, Klingon, I am fluent in all. My home planet was destroyed in an intergalactic war. We fought bravely and honorably for our planet, but alas our star soldier made an unexpected move in free agency during the offseason and joined the enemy. While all was lost, I am the only survivor who lives to speak of the travesties. My name is Todd.

Wow, that sounds terrible. Wait? Your name is Todd… Really?

Indeed. Is there something wrong?

No, it just seems like a highly-intelligent lifeform from a far away planet would have a weirder, I mean, more complex—you know what? Never mind. Why did you choose to reach out to Columbus?

If there is a problem with my name, I can gladly start up the nuclear converter engine and go elsewhere. This is your first interview with a new lifeform and you’re stuck on my name? Is that all you humans do? Is “Don’t judge a book by its cover” a thing in this city? Oh my globba-glob-gob, you humans are all the same. When I contacted this technologically-deficient city in the 70s, at least they had the decency to ignore me just like how you all ignored the restaurant that contained the statues of our gods. 

Gods? Alien gods in a restaurant?

Yes. We wanted to warn them of the impending prophecy of destruction by urban development—that eventually all things alien would be replaced with the sad trappings of human suburbia. But our message was intercepted and our beautiful temple was bulldozed into oblivion and became a chain drugstore and a frozen food line. Typical humans.

All right, Todd. No need to get defensive. So what’s time travel like?

Don’t patronize me. I have more intelligence and knowledge in my ninth phalange than your entire existence has combined. How dare you? I know the cure to diseases that have plagued your kind for a millennium. I’ve traveled to planets your puny machines wouldn’t last a second on. I’ve seen organisms that defy your understanding of biology. I am an organism that defies your understanding of biology!

And your name is… Todd??

Forget this, I’m calling Ann Arbor. *hangs up*

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