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Columbus man tired of waiting in Fox in the Snow’s long line

Mitch Hooper

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It’s was a perfectly warm Saturday morning when Columbus man Rick Smith decided he was going to venture out of his luxury high-rise apartment and snag a few pastries from popular coffeehouse and bakery, Fox In The Snow. It was to his dismay when he arrived at 9:17 a.m. (“not even that late,” as described) to a line out the door.

“It’s truly outrageous,” he wrote on his blog that no one reads. “Why are all these people so infatuated with delicious and high-quality baked goods served with a happy face? It pisses me off!”

As Smith described the scene, he mentioned one Instagram influencer who arrived and didn’t even eat the food.

“They just took a picture of it,” Smith typed, clearly confused.

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Another patron held up the line with an insane order that almost sent Smith over the edge. According to the angered man, the customer ordered not two, but three, different orders that were each paid for separately. Of those three payments, two were in cash and required an “excessive” amount of change.

“The audacity of the people in this city blows my mind,” he wrote.

Eventually, Smith got to the front of the line. Since he was such an asshole, Fox In The Snow Bouncers escorted him to the nearest Burger King.

“The King has better croissants anyway,” he shouted as he was drug out the door.

millennial | writer | human

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Satire

Columbus Man Surprised That I-71 Is Busy During Rush Hour Traffic

Mitch Hooper

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After finishing another day of “working at Nationwide,” Bryan “with a Y” Johnson hopped into his car and headed towards the highway. It was a maneuver he had made a million times on his venture to and from his office, and this day was just like any other day: it was 5 p.m. and traffic on I-71 is backed up. Johnson, to say the least, was shocked and angered.

“How does this happen every time I get on the highway between the hours of 4:30 p.m. and 6:30 p.m.?,” Johnson questioned to himself as he slammed his hands on his steering wheel. “Why aren’t we moving? Where are all these people coming from? There isn’t even an accident!”

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As his car inched forward on the road, his anger rose by the second. It was then when a slight drizzle began.

“Great,” Mr. Bryan With A Y uttered. “Now I’ll never make it to my 5:45 p.m. reservations at Chili’s with my boys.”

He decided to take a detour; a quick turn here and there to get out of the madness. It was then when the Columbus Man realized, I-315 traffic is also busy during rush hour. With the ample time in traffic, Johnson took to Facebook to call out all the distracted drivers who hold up traffic.

“I don’t know how, but I just know the millennials are to blame for this,” the now deleted Facebook post closed with.

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Satire

(614) Meme of the Day

614now

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If you’re familiar the internet, odds are you’re intimate with memes. We’ve seen them all—Lady Gaga in A Star is Born, mocking Spongebob, Drake in basically anything—except memes specific to Columbus. Allow us to fill your void.

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5 topics guaranteed to start an argument in Columbus

Mitch Hooper

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In today’s day and age, it just seems like there’s not enough to be angry about. Whether it’s how social media has somehow came to an agreement about everything, or the lack of excitement coming from our boring White House, we as a society are just craving controversy.

In way of bringing some spice back to your conversations, here’s a few ways to really get people’s gears grinding. Hey, who can’t use a little excitement in their day-to-day lives here in the cornfield that is Midwestern America?

5.) Short North Parking Is Good

What’s not to love here? The connivence of a phone app that reminds you every 30 minutes you need to drop another 50 cents into the meter? Or perhaps it’s the abundant amount of parking available. And it’s never a problem trying to make a left turn on 5th Avenue to High Street. What’s even going on south of the Short North that you need to get to anyway?

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4.) We Need To Spend More Money On High Rise Buildings, Not Fixing Pot Holes

Need I say more? This one is just true.

3.) Anthony Precourt Was Actually Making A Wise Business Move

To hell with a city of soccer fans! And to hell with the championships, playoff runs, and all the other memories! You know what’s better than fixing a problem here? Creating a new one in Texas.

2.) Be A Boston Bruins Fan

Bonus points if you are actually just Brad Marchand.

1.) Craft Beer Is Overrated

Why spend $6 on a beer that tastes good and offers a higher alcohol percentage when you could just have a Budweiser? Sure, it’s cool that more than 40 breweries are in the city creating some of the best beer the world has to offer, but Anheuser-Busch is set up in Columbus and you truly can’t beat a beer that costs $4.50, offers less ABV, and tastes like water from the garden hose. By all definitions of the word, it is a local beer.

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