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Satireday: Columbus Man accidentally joins Pride Parade after trip to the grocery store

Mitch Hooper

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After heading to the grocery store on Saturday morning to pick up the supplies for his afternoon cookout, Adam Neilson suddenly realized he wasn’t in the Kroger parking lot anymore, rather, he was smack-dab in the middle of the 2019 Pride Parade.

Living just a few blocks away from the grocery store, Neilson said he elected to walk instead of drive. The weather was nice, he noted, and he wanted the extra steps for his Apple Watch.

“Sometimes it beeps at me to get up and move and it makes me feel self-conscious,” Neilson explained.

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Little did he know, his future held plenty of extra steps.

“I got a little confused on which way to go leaving the parking lot and next thing I knew I was in a crowd of people listening to someone explain a route,” Neilson recalled. “Everyone around me was just so friendly and welcoming that I got caught up in conversation and started walking with them.”

Though his arm grew tired from carrying a hefty bag holding ears of corn and other various cookout goodies, Neilson powered through the pain and finished the entire 1.6 mile parade.

“That was the wildest and shortest 5K I’ve ever ran! The groceries weighed me down a little, but I made it through.”

Sources close to Neilson are unsure if he is even aware that he marched in the 2019 Pride Parade and not a 5K. Those closest to Neilson describe him as “hopelessly oblivious” and “often absent minded.”

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Satire

Satireday: Local Rebel elects to “wait it out” rather than using some “new-age” at BMV

Mitch Hooper

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For Gary McPherson—former Columbus Man, now Local Rebel, currently still at the BMV—some things just don’t need to change.

“I’ve been coming to the BMV for 35 years now,” McPherson angrily explained. “And now you’re telling me I can just waltz in here using some fancy pants technology to hold my place in line? Not on my watch.”

After the announcement of Gov. Mike DeWine’s program to cut back waiting time at the BMV, McPherson said this was yet another move to make the next generation “softer.”

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“What happened to the good old days where you had to wait in line while the six people ahead of you forgot all of their required paperwork? Back in my day, we’d have to hike three miles uphill both ways just to get to the BMV. Nowadays, kids just ride those damn scooters.”

Thanks to the new app, McPherson’s trip to the BMV took an additional 30 minutes. As he was next in line, someone who had secured a window at that moment arrived forcing him back to his seat to await his turn.

“Sure, I was angry just like any other trip to the BMV, but this just didn’t feel right,” McPherson said, clearly disheartened. “I want to sit next to the person who potentially will ruin my lunch break.”

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Watch: Local “mockumentary” takes aim at construction in Columbus

614now

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It seems like no matter where you turn, a bulldozer, orange barrel, or Road Closed sign stands in your way. Construction plagues Columbus and though it stands to make our city a better place to live, we’re willing to bet you’re not huge fans of it.

Todd Winchel, however, is a self-proclaimed construction advocate. He shares his passion for orange in a new “mockumentary” by Steel Valley Productions.

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Aaron Massey is the founder and owner of Steel Valley Productions, a Columbus, Ohio based video production company specializing in narrative fiction, commercial, and corporate video pre-production, production and post-production workflow. Aaron is also an actor, writer, and photographer.

Watch his hilarious and totally dry jab at construction woes below!

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Satire

Satireday: Columbus man still in line at Shake Shack

Mitch Hooper

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The recent opening of Shake Shack in Easton has set waves in Columbus, and maybe more accurately, it’s created lines. Since the opening date, lines have been out the door causing hour long waiting times, and for one Columbus Man, Tyler Stuart, the wait has been for weeks now.

“I got here on opening night, but the line was so long out the door that I decided to sit down,” Stuart recalled while sitting near his pop-up tent. “I must’ve dozed off because by the time I woke up, it was closing time and employees had already locked the doors.”

That was two weeks ago. Since then, Stuart has been in an endless cycle of waiting in line, falling asleep, and missing his chances.

“The closest I have gotten is near the door, but it was 10:45 p.m. and I felt bad for making the employees stay past closing time.”

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That’s when Stuart said he decided to purchase a tent from the nearby outdoor enthusiast store, REI.

“It’s nice. A little expensive, but it works.”

Food and water have become a tricky situation, as well, since every time he needs to fuel up, he has to lose his spot in line.

“Have you ever seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? You know, that scene where he has a mannequin in his bed to fool his parents that he’s home? I’m working on something like that.”

Until then, the employees at Jeni’s Splendid Ice Cream and Stuart have become close friends as his diet mostly consists of Brambleberry Crisp samples and fountain water.

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