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Opening Volley

I was a jock in high school. I was a nerd in high school. Those two statements are equally accurate. It’s just that I was in the lower echelon of each clique, leaving me in the unique position of feeling unaccepted by both classic high school social strata. To use sports parlance (which I understand would have [...]



I was a jock in high school.

I was a nerd in high school.

Those two statements are equally accurate. It’s just that I was in the lower echelon of each clique, leaving me in the unique position of feeling unaccepted by both classic high school social strata.

To use sports parlance (which I understand would have been lost on the traditional nerd), I was a classic ‘tweener: not smart or creative enough to fit in with the nerds, and more intellectually capable than your average jock. But apparently my breathtaking ability to score roughly 2.1 baskets per high school basketball game was enough to fool everyone into thinking I had been categorized properly.

It was only as an adult that I realized I should have picked sides a long time ago and saddled up with the nerds, with whom I truly belonged.

I’m not trying to go all Zooey Deschanel on you here and give you the “adorkable” schtick, retroactively attaching myself to modern nerd culture because I was a vaguely fun-loving, impossibly goofy yet misunderstood oddball. What I’m trying to say is I missed out on the opportunity to acquire better training for what I was destined to be, which was a giant goddamned Nerd.

Bear with me, if you will, and consider my nerd application, via this body of evidence:

  • I was in 4-H. The only person out of roughly 987 students who spent his summers slapping a pig around a ring in shirts that even Garth Brooks would find overly countryfied. (If that sounds more country than nerdy, imagine Chris Gaines for a second).
  • I would proudly exhibit to anyone who wanted to know (which was no one, another quintessential nerd trait) that I could recite the daily and nightly TV lineup from 1985-1990
  • I had an even more extensive encyclopedic knowledge of Saturday Night Live, which meant that when my friends wanted to go outside to toilet paper houses, drink, and party with girls, I would have preferred a debate about the comparative merits of “Weekend Update” anchors
  • At age 12, my favorite movie was Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  • That same year, in a jarring collision of my predilections (TV, hogs, writing), I penned a story for my English class about a porcine detective named Magnum P.I.G., who wore a suit (ya know, just like Selleck) and inexplicably ate corn off the floor whenever he got hungry. (There were illustrations).
  • What’s more, the only athletic honor I ever received was something called the “Coaches Award,” which to this day I am convinced was bestowed upon me only because I became a willing ear for my coach, who was going through a tough divorce. (This may not even be “nerdy” per se, but it is the absolute polar opposite of athletic accomplishment, and therefore falls to the latter end of the jock/nerd high school spectrum).

That’s not to mention that right out of college I became a sports writer and a standup comedian, which along with comic book geek and scientist could form some sort of Nerd Voltron. In case you didn’t notice, I just made a Voltron reference like it wasn’t even a big deal.

Which brings us to the present, where the lines of distinction between nerd pursuits and pop culture trends have long since been blurred – how’s your fantasy team doing? – and people have more posters on their wall of DeGrasse Tyson than Mike Tyson.

This issue is dedicated to nerdier pursuits, and moreover is a tribute to the nerd’s ascension into the mainstream. Legos and leather jackets carry the same timeless cool in our new world, a place where we can all live in perfect harmony, jocks, nerds, and everyone else, hand in hand.

Except for people who like The Big Bang Theory.

That show sucks, nerds.


Travis Hoewischer, Editor-in-Chief

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Govt & Politics

Op-Ed: We won battle with Heartbeat Bill block, war continues

Caitlin Horwatt



Ohio’s controversial “Heartbeat Bill” has been ​blocked by a federal court​, just days before it was slated to go into enforcement on July 11. The ruling is a temporary win for pro-reproductive rights activists and Planned Parenthood, ensuring that abortion clinics in the state of Ohio can stay open. But, the war over a woman’s right to her bodily autonomy is only ramping up.

The law would have banned abortions in the state of Ohio after six weeks, the earliest time in a pregnancy when a fetal heartbeat may be detected and well before many women know they are pregnant. There were to be no exceptions for rape or incest, although there would be exceptions when the life of the mother was in danger. The law would have classified violations as fifth-degree felonies, carrying up to one year in jail time and up to $2,500 in fines as a sentence.

The ​halt was ordered ​by Judge Michael Barrett of the Southern District of Ohio U.S. District Court. Barrett pointed out that the bill placed an “undue burden” on a woman seeking to terminate a pre-viability pregnancy. The law was on its face unconstitutional, a blatant attempt to overturn the federal government’s long standing decision to give women the right to the decisions regarding their bodies. Conservatives have tried to limit bodily autonomy well before women had the right to abortions; however, they fail to attack problems like infant poverty and child hunger with the same veracity.

The bill was part of a larger strategy that’s occurred nationwide at the hands of Republican lawmakers. The right to an abortion will stand nationally as long as Supreme Court rulings, including ​Roe v. Wade,​ remain in effect. By hammering out heartbeat bills nationwide, conservatives increase their chances of getting a ruling appealed up to the Supreme Court and from there the conservative-leaning court overturning ​Roe​.

Abortions are not only justified in the case of rape or incest, which has been a clickbait-inducing theme around this controversy. Abortion is a part of reproductive healthcare, a procedure nearly one in four women​ have before the age of 45. If lawmakers are so concerned about decreasing abortion rates, presumably because of a concern for the lives of the fetuses, they should fund comprehensize sex education ​and support for impoverished children already in this country.

The right to an abortion goes further than an outright ban. Strict regulations are a backdoor way to limit abortions, claiming to regulate the abortion providers for safety purposes. The state of Missouri​ famously has just one embattled abortion clinic ​still open and providing procedures, with the fight to keep the clinic licensed and running regularly boiling down to the wire in the past several months.

It is easy to move on from this debate when a new shocking headline runs about the state of politics or the crisis at the border. Wins like this, though important, cannot be accepted as permanent. As long as conservative lawmakers are proposing bills and regulations that limit abortion care, there is a battle to be fought, because we won’t go back.

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Govt & Politics

OP-ED: Heartbeat Bill will likely affect 11yo Ohio rape victim

Caitlin Horwatt



The passage of Ohio’s recent “heartbeat bill,” signed by Governor DeWine, marks a massive and distressing win in the conservative quest to outright ban abortion. All parties supporting the bill—from DeWine to legislators and lobbyists—are well aware that the action will be blocked by courts as they uphold Roe v. Wade, which protects the right to abortion until 24 weeks gestation. We should be frightened as we explore whether their big picture goal is to get Roe v. Wade overturned by the decidedly conservative Court.

By banning abortion after a heartbeat is detected, the law prohibits abortion as early as eight weeks, well before many women know they are pregnant. Add in the already mandatory twenty-four hour waiting period between first appointment and procedure, and the likelihood of legal abortion for even a pregnancy detected early seems slim. The law is an blatant attempt to ban women’s right to choose.

The Guttmacher Institute found that ​1 in 4 women​ has had an abortion before age 45. The Pew Research Center found that ​58% of Americans support legal abortion ​in all or most cases, with polarizing views against abortion coming mostly from Republican and religious Americans. These statistics fail to depict, though, how traumatic the impact can be for women forced to carry a child to term when she does not have the means or support to do so. The law is meant to protect the fetus at a term that is far earlier than the 22 to 24 weeks at which it is viable, all at the cost of the mother.

The bill notably does not give exceptions for cases of rape and incest, only allowing exceptions for medical necessity to save the mother’s life. This means an ​11 year-old rape victim from Massillon​ will likely have to carry her rapist’s baby to term.

Heartbeat bills do not ban abortion; they ban legal abortion. I think of a sign I saw during the 2017 Women’s March: a metal coat hanger with the words “WE WON’T GO BACK” scrawled below. The passage of this recent law achingly raises questions of whether or not we will go back.

Women who now find themselves pregnant could have their lives forever changed. Even if they choose to surrender the baby after birth, the cost of a pregnancy is astronomical and healthcare is far from a certainty in this country. If the pregnancy was caused by rape, the potential for trauma only escalates. Women will have few places to turn, with the most vulnerable unable to seek safe healthcare and the potential high for maternal deaths as part of botched abortions.

The ACLU and other organizations are already moving to challenge the ban in court. I can’t shake the looming feeling that these challenges will only play into the hands of those anti-abortion supporters, and that we may be entering the most important fight of our generation in this fight for a woman’s right to choose.

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Govt & Politics

OP-ED: ‘Red flag’ is far cry from where Ohio gun law should be

Joanne Strasser



Last weekend, a man entered a synagogue in Poway, California armed with a rifle. The Washington Post reports that prior to him entering the place of worship, the accused shooter wrote a 7-page letter about his hatred for Jewish people. He believed killing them would "glorify God." Below is an op-ed from one Columbus mother who believes Ohio should be taking a stronger stance against guns following of the Poway tragedy.

Even in light of this past weekend’s synagogue shooting, DeWine is still unwilling to change Ohio’s gun laws. He is, however, advocating for Ohio to pass a red flag law, which would allow law enforcement to seize guns from individuals deemed a societal risk.

This isn’t the first time the red flag law was floated in the Ohio Legislature.  In the wake of last year’s Parkland High School shooting in Florida, former Gov. Kasich backed the proposed law, which ultimately failed to gain support.

Opposition to the legislation stems from Republican lawmakers’ belief that it infringes on the constitution rights to bear arms and proper due process of law. However, 14 other states have already implemented the red flag law.

Moms Demand Action, a national gun control organization, notes that 42% of attackers exhibit warning signs before shootings occur. And although this legislation would only be a small step in the right direction, it could help save lives.

But ultimately, statistics don’t matter to politicians, who are dependent on dollars from the gun lobby.  And until our elected officials decide that Ohioans‘ safety comes first, any measure, regardless of how small and sensible, will fail. 

Ohio Republicans need to take a long hard look at their agenda and ask themselves if it truly serves our needs. Which is more important: our children feeling safe at school or campaign contributions? 

The red flag law is a common-sense measure, and while it’s a far cry from where Ohio gun restriction needs to be, it’s certainly a start.

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