Mysterious Monkey Attacks Ohio Walmart Employee; Wins Award for “Most Walmart Thing To Ever Happen.”

Oh no. Last week was already filled to the brim with monkey-related news and now this. I guess when disaster can strike, disaster will strike.

The monkey is a service monkey just like the monkey last week that was smuggled onto a Las Vegas bound flight from Columbus. Makes you think…what’s going on with all these service monkey related problems?

The attack occurred at the cart corral of a Lancaster Walmart, and was relatively brief. Although the woman, alleged monkey owner and savior of this poor walmart cart collector says during the video, “Did she bite you? (unintelligible).” We think she says something about putting the monkey down afterwards, or she scolds the employee for provoking the monkey. Who really knows? Only the walmart employee and this monkey.

Watch the video, that’s more or less what everyone knows about the situation. According to a few sources, the man was biten by the monkey but he’s totally fine. Which is surprising considering monkeys have absurd amounts of strength and could have easily ruined this guy’s day (more so than it had.)

A few other sources have reported that the monkey escaped a camper that was parked in the parking lot. It’s just…so many questions. Why bring your monkey to Walmart if all you intend on doing is keeping him in the camper you arrived in? Either you need the monkey’s help or you don’t.

Anyway, Elizabeth Faugl of FOX28, wrote my favorite article stinger of all time,

“No word on who owns the monkey, or where he’s from.”

We’ll keep everyone updated on this – I’m sure the mystery is killing you.

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