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Ohio Drivers are Literally the Worst and it’s a National Problem

614now Staff

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Hey! Look at that, we’re number 1 in something else, except it’s not good. It’s not good at all.

Ohio drivers are a menace to the safety of the nation according to the National Transportation Safety Board via US Daily Mail. They released an annual Traffic Data Safety Report on Monday and guess what? We suck. It is literally Ohio against the world. And we’re the bad guys.

The report is largely unchanged from last year according to US Daily Mail, which is terrifying because we sucked back then too.

“Though the Board continues to frown upon individuals driving under the influence of alcohol and illegal drugs, we wish to remind motorists that their greatest threat while traveling on the nation’s highway system remains cars with Ohio license plates.” Jeff Smith, Director of the NTSB, said to reporters.

Smith then went into embarrassing detail on why Ohio drivers will be the downfall of this nation, and all nations after. Apparently we drive, “extraordinarily below the pace of traffic in the far left lane of interstates” to being “completely incapable of understanding the concept of one-way signs.”

Did you read that? Completely. Incapable.

He didn’t say we have some trouble, some small issues. We are like dogs trying to do critical analysis James Joyce’s Finnegans’ Wake, apparently.

I’m not surprised, literally yesterday I almost crashed head first into someone driving the wrong way on Main St. A one-way. Not to mention my car itself looks like it was a prop in Mad Max: Fury Road.

To make matters worse for Ohioans, apparently to fix this whole issue we might getting bright orange license plates, “— like something that can be seen far away…” A board spokesperson said.

We have two options, Ohio. We either get better or we double down and become the worst drivers in the world. No middling about this.

[Update: It has come to this writer’s attention that the source for this is potentially satirical, this does not diminish Ohio’s poor driving record, where we’re consistently in the bottom 20.]

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Buckeyes back to work

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Ohio State athletics is permitting athletes from seven different sports to resume voluntary workouts after a pause due to an outbreak of COVID-19. 

Ohio State defensive back Shaun Wade heads into a workout

The university said that all athletes were tested Monday before determining that the resumption was safe. 

“These young people come from across the nation and the world to be part of our Ohio State family, and we do everything we can to create a safe, healthy environment so that they have a chance to study and compete,” said Athletics Director Gene Smith. “Our medical team will continue to evaluate, and we will share decisions as we move forward.”

The Buckeyes have refused to say how many athletes have tested positive, but longtime beat reporter Tim May had said it was fewer than ten. 

OSU teams with athletes currently working out on campus are football, men’s and women’s basketball, field hockey, men’s and women’s soccer, and women’s volleyball.

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Standard Hall, two others reportedly closed

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Photo by: Julian Foglietti

According to multiple news outlets, including 10tv.com, the beleaguered Short North hot spot Standard Hall is once again closed temporarily after one of its employees allegedly tested positive for COVID-19.

The original Facebook and other social media posts that led to the news reports have been removed from Standard Hall's social media sites.

Standard Hall was one of the first establishments to reopen once COVID restrictions were lifted and was immediately one of the first to close due to violations. It reopened just three weeks ago.

The state does not require a restaurant to close after an employee tests positive but strongly recommends it. In this case, two other Corso Ventures establishments are reportedly closed because the same employee was within both places: the Short North Pint House and Short North Goody Boy. The now deleted Facebook post supposedly said they were closing all three for a short time to deep clean each of the establishments.

You can stay tuned for updates here or on Standard Hall's Facebook page.

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Toledo officer killed; Statehouse flags to fly half staff

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Photo courtesy Fox 8 Cleveland provided to them by Ohio Going Blue

Governor Mike DeWine issued a statement this morning after Toledo police officer Anthony Dia was killed in the line of duty this morning around 12:30 a.m.

DeWine has ordered Statehouse and Lucas County flags at half staff through his funeral service, expected next week.

"Fran and I were deeply saddened to learn of the death last night of Toledo Police Officer Anthony Dia in the line of duty," DeWine stated. "We extend our sympathy to his wife and 2-year-old child, his other family members, and his colleagues in the Toledo Police Department.  To honor the life and service of Officer Dia, I have ordered that the flags in Lucas County and at the Statehouse be lowered to half staff beginning tomorrow and through his funeral service."

You can read the in-depth account, including witness statements and video of the event on the Toldeo Blade website here.

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